Twenty-five years ago I stepped into a slightly damp urine smelling lift with my father. We descended ten floors, I said goodbye to my East-end neighbours and climbed into a very smart car for a journey through Bow, Mile End and Whitechapel. A journey that finished standing next to Martin at the end of an aisle in St Helen’s, Bishopsgate.
I thought I knew what I was doing. We shared not only the same affection for one another but also the same passion for the gospel. Everyone told us that marriage would be tough and we were not under any delusions. I knew my own fickle heart and could only say my vows for the future because I knew that God was faithful and He would be with me. Our children mock us for being so unromantic about things like weddings and they are right neither of us thought that any of the trappings of that day really mattered. We were both concerned about the promises that we were making and what was going to happen the next day. Our wedding was about committing to sharing life together and it was put together as cheaply as possible. We were excited and daunted at the same time. I still remember that feeling when we left the Church – so this is it? Such a simple service and such a momentous change!
We adapted to each other, I threw out stuff from Martins accumulated collection of plastic pots (rubbish), I invaded his flat with all my things, and we had our first row over differences in decorating techniques. We also spent lots of time working together studying the bible and leading small bible study groups. We waited for the difficult patch to come that everyone said would.
One famous Christian speaker has described marriage as ‘War!’ Well if it is we have been living with a ceasefire for a long time now. Sometimes we whisper quietly to each other – when is the bad patch going to come? It isn’t that we haven’t had times of struggle, suffering and pain but those times have come from outside of our relationship. It isn’t that we haven’t ever disagreed or never been disagreeable but our over-riding experience has been far from ‘war’. We have had the joy of encouraging one another, teaching one another, sharing our difficulties, strengthening, helping and comforting each other.
So twenty-five years on what have I concluded? Before we were married my 90-year-old Grandad told us that the secret of a happy marriage is to, “work together, pray together and play together.” That was very wise advice but I would add that sharing your passion is essential. Not passions like football, Tolkien novels, music, art, food, and travel, although it can help to share similar tastes. No I mean the thing that is at the core of your being, the thing that motivates you, the thing you really want to live for. For the Christian that is not actually a ‘thing’ but another person – Jesus Christ. We live for Him, we live to serve Him and everything else flows from that. Martin and I have discovered a wonderful unity and like- mindedness in our marriage because of Christ.
Why say all this on a blog? Because I have noticed a trend, in certain circles, for Christian girls (not exclusively but it is often the girls) to start relationships with men who do not know Christ and for Churches not to be concerned about this. I have heard people say that the bible is silent on this matter and makes provision for couples where only one is a believer so what is the problem? The problem is huge. The bible is very clear that to deliberately marry those who do not follow Yahweh is a dangerous and foolish thing to do that will likely lead you astray. This won’t happen to me you cry! And I know those for whom this is true but if we really want to serve Christ wholeheartedly not sharing that passion as the central foundation of our relationships is a source of great sorrow and pain. Those I know who are in that situation experience loneliness and heartache, even in the best of these marriages there is the knowledge that something essential is missing, something that is not shared, and an on-going prayer for the salvation of their partner.
As I rejoice in the goodness of God given to Martin and me over the last twenty-five years I want to urge you young Christian, avoid getting into serious relationships with unbelievers. It will lead you to much pain, and may lead you away from Christ. If you are considering marriage, ask yourself: “Do we share the same core passion? Do we love Christ? Can we serve Him better together or apart?" That is what really matters.